What did I say yesterday about friends being just one lunch or dinner away?

I went to one of my bff’s house this afternoon and waited by her gate, debating whether I could distrub her or not. Just in time, she arrived with her husband (they were out for errands) and the minute she saw me, she immediately knew I needed to talk. She said I looked like a mess.

I told her about the incident with my boss that happened before lunch today that sent me into a tailspin. Right after that fucking incident, I ranted to M, one of my colleagues, and screamed on top of my lungs. Shock absorber. I was having a breakdown. M said my boss is really evil and I should tell our Asia boss about her next week in HK.

So I ranted the same to my bff. We went to a park and vented out my anger and frustration. I broke down. She told me that yes, I should tell our Asia boss but in a calmer fashion. Don’t make it sound like my manager is evil even if she is. Just tell her that personality clashes are sending me into anxiety attacks that I have to see a psychologist/psychiatrist to manage them. Tell her that I am offering to step down from my managing position, so that contact with my manager will be minimal. I can go on a freelancer mode with them.

Yes, my bff said, income may be inconsistent since I would be paid on a per story basis. When I get sick or I go on a holiday, I would earn less. But with the way things are, mental health is more important, so fuck regular income. Better find some side hustles to make up for the drop in income from this company. At least my manager will no longer bother me.

I cheered up after we had dinner at a Thai restaurant near her apartment. We also talked about mini-EV cars and e-tricycles. I want one, just to run around our town for errands and for fetching my girls from school when needed.

But upon research I learned some brands break down easily. Or some have lead batteries and not lithium so storage capacity degrades in a course of a year. I guess it’s not worth it.

This Tiktok post resonated with me. He says that a version of myself 10 years ago would do anything to be where I am right now…

It’s true. I would have given my kidneys to be where I am now: secure, at peace, with thriving happy children, and surrounded by family and friends. My friends are just a lunch or dinner away.

Ten years ago, I was burning the candles on both ends and I was slowly dying. Yes, the version of me 10 years ago would have given so much to be where I am now—but I wouldn’t have any idea of the painful road I took to be here.

I reflected on this as one of the people I’m mentoring told me he is winding down his antidepressant intake and is now preoccupied with going to the gym for some serotonin boost. He said he didn’t know how we was able to pull through with work given what he was going through with personal life. I said we always get destroyed in the process of growing up, to become the better versions of ourselves. We will always pull through because we are meant to go through hell before we metamorphosize into something else.

Some time ago, I realized that part of my journey is the companionship of my cats. They’re an integral part of my healing and I don’t know why. My cats are obnoxious, especially Kimchi, but I know she loves me so much.

Wherever I am in my tiny house, she is there. Even follows me to the bathroom. 😑 When I’m away, she waits for me in my room or by the door. Same with Sushi. I asked Twin I one day last week, what were the cats doing all day when we were still living in QC? She said, mommy, the cats were always by the door, on top of the shoe cabinet, waiting for you to come home. 😭 ❤️

I don’t have to look for love in the wrong places. It’s just right here at home, with my girls and my cats.

Yes, we are always meant to pass through the gates of hell but we will pull through with the right support system.

Heaven, wait
Only a word, a sign, I need to know
I can’t wait
I’m trying to figure out
I’m trying to figure how you feel
I’ll lose my mind
Doesn’t make any sense, I know it’s true
Could I have known?
That I was going to fall
That I was going to fall for you?
You’re secretive, I know
Your world’s a place I don’t belong
Even though, I will never let go
Cause everyday
You’re on my mind
In every way
You’re in my heart
You make me feel like
We were never apart
Never apart
Cause everyday
You’re on my mind
In every way
You’re in my heart
You make me feel like
We were never apart
Never apart
Heaven, wait
Only a word, a gaze, I need to know
I won’t rest
Until I figure out
Until I figure how you feel
Lose my mind
Doesn’t make any sense, I know it’s true
Did you know?
I was already fond
Was already fond of you
You’re secretive, I know
Your world’s somewhere I don’t belong
Even though, I will never let go
Cause everyday
You’re on my mind
In every way
You’re in my heart
You make me feel like
We were never apart
Never apart
Cause everyday
You’re on my mind
In every way
You’re in my heart
You make me feel like
We were never apart
Never apart

I don’t remember when I fell asleep last night but I know it was early. I was waiting for my girls to come home from the university fair, where there is another free open-air concert. My sis-in-law was messaging me on all platforms, asking me where I was. I was supposed to come with my bff but I guess we’re both on Tita of Manila mode—at 9 pm we’re ready for bed. Gone are the days we go home at 3 am and still have the energy to go to church in the morning. 🙃

Since I needed the exercise and some Vitamin D, I went to the weekend community market to buy our weekend staples: pancit palabok, yogurt (for lassi), pita and hummus, spinach pizza, grilled Angus beef, and some other veggies.

I got home with a very heavy bag. I’m covered until dinner.

My girls are, of course, still in bed. I think they got home at 2 am today after they waited for Moonstar88 and Zild to play. While they snore, I’m cooling down outside my front door.

The good thing about having a private balcony facing a forest is that I can air myself (I’m sweating profusely) while just wearing my sports bra top and just be fine—I won’t be offending somebody’s vision.

I was driving back from dinner with a friend in QC last night when I decided to fetch my girls from the free open air concert. They were begging me, “Mommy, let’s not go home yet, Lola Amour is next…”

My sis-in-law was with them so I relented. And I watched this set.

So what brought me to QC?

I picked up my new checkbook from my bank. Then I attempted to open a new S&P 500 UITF. I say attempted because I can’t open a new UITF unless I open a new USD savings account. I wasn’t prepared for it yesterday because I would have made forex losses if converted at this time…

Status quo for now.

On the way to the bank, I saw that the Persian restaurant was still operating so I checked out the place by having lunch there.

Then I knocked on a familiar gate.

I visited our old home… Well, the old apartment

The new tenants completely sealed the unit and installed aircons everywhere. I wonder how extensive was the tenant’s repair job just to seal the apartment because it was porous, especially in the laundry area.

They also covered the transoms that provide light! What if there is power outage?

Messy neighbors nextdoor are gone; they left after we did. They messed up the apartment with dog pee everywhere and destroyed the wooden floors upstairs. Credit card companies have been sending demand letters to their unit for  unpaid credit card bills. Landlord had spent PHP 70k for repairs, more than what their deposit covered. Had the gall to demand the return of their deposit.

I think I have influenced my former neighbors to become cat people. They have adopted stray cats and one became a permanent outside cat but in-compound resident. Another one is a completely indoor cat with supervised outdoor (in-compound) playtime.

They have also set up shelters for stray cats outside the compound and some kind-hearted people who do their daily walks provide cat kibbles for the kitties.

I felt nostalgic. It was home for a while, you know.

But then I can feel the heat due to the absence of the mango tree that they had cut down shortly after we left. I told our ex-neighbor that it’s still cool in our province and we haven’t turned on our aircons yet. But in this compound, I can already feel it was several degrees higher already and that summer is only a week away.

And unlike Lola Amour’s song, no, it hasn’t been raining in Manila. It’s only in my hometown where it has been wet, cool, and muddy.

Yesterday was just really bad. I was beaten by my bosses for something I didn’t even write and for something beyond our control. The main point is because we don’t have any freaking reporter in Singapore! If this—berating me for something that isn’t my fault—didn’t happen, it wouldn’t have occurred to them that we need a reporter in Singapore. They thought we can get by without one. They thought Southeast Asia is uniform. They thought SEAsia is just like Australia with different states or China with different provinces.

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SCREAM OUT LOUD IT IS NOT?!

The analysis piece that we did for three months… My boss wasn’t happy with it. She didn’t get it. She didn’t appreciate it.

I just couldn’t bear it anymore and called up M and cried.

Why do I even bother? Why?